Monthly Archives: April 2010

99 Writing Productivity Tips

Being a productive writer can be tough. Over the years, I’ve developed a series of recommendations that will help you write more productively. Each of these has been personally tested and guaranteed to work†. As with all of my free recommendations, I offer a 100% money-back guarantee.

  1. Get more paper. You can’t have too much until it falls on you and smothers you. Fill rooms with it. The family can sleep in the garage.
  2. Get more pens. You should always have a pen close to hand. Put one in each pocket. Behind each ear. If the lids won’t get dislodged too easily, up each nostril.
  3. Pen-holsters. On the walls. Inside your suit jackets. Under the mantelpiece.
  4. Officeworks. Have them on speed-dial.
  5. Cover your walls in butchers paper. Have an idea? Grab your pen from its holster and scribble away. Don’t waste precious seconds.
  6. Stop washing your car. Save time, and the dusty windshields are a useful backup for notebooks and scrap paper.
  7. Overkill. Refuse to eat, drink, sleep, talk to people, move. Finish work. Not recommended for novels unless you’re close to finishing.
  8. Outsource. Get someone else to do the bits you don’t want to. Have a picnic.
  9. Wikify. Create an open-source effort. Collaborate. Control. Publish.
  10. Clean your desk. File everything useful away. File everything useless away. A clean desk lets you make new and interesting piles.
  11. Mess up your office. Messy offices are sexy, make you look productive, and the treasure hunts to find anything can provide inspiration.
  12. Have a punching intern. Cheers to Questionable Content for this gem. Punching interns are better than stress balls and they can mix drinks if you yell hard enough.
  13. Don’t do any paperwork. You’re an artist, not a worker drone!
  14. Make your paperwork into art. Creative filling of forms delights and stimulates clerks. Their rage is a front in case their managers are watching.
  15. Lie. Often. Creating a web of lies makes you work hard to maintain it. If it all comes crashing down, you’ll learn a valuable lesson about truth and friendship.                        Or something.                               Whatever.
  16. Elope. Just you, a beach, and a laptop.
  17. Hermitage. Just you, a cave, some pen and paper, and a few months of dehydrated surplus military meals.
  18. Eccentricity. Writers get away with being a little crazy. Develop a reputation and maybe the gawkers will bring food, saving you the time and energy of cooking.
  19. Blackboards. Useful.
  20. Whiteboards. More useful. Don’t stand too close when writing or you’ll get high.
  21. Wall sized Etch-A-Sketches. Most useful. For hardcore writers. “How do you write?” “By MAGNETIZING FLAKES OF METAL.”
  22. Become invisible. People who can’t see you can’t interrupt you.
  23. Traps. Lay them at the entrance to your study. Lethality and warnings up to the individual’s taste.
  24. Dig a hole. Hide in it for a day. If your head’s below surface level, people might leave you alone for a few hours. Use this time well.
  25. Invent religious holidays. Spend them writing.
  26. Have a hangover. Extend your religious holiday… And spend it writing.
  27. Get your appendix out. It’s easy, and you get a few free days in hospital…. To write.
  28. Give up porn. Spend your weekends furtively browsing tvtropes, wikipedia, and Write-Thing.
  29. Watch DVDs with subtitles. And at double speed. Save yourself an average of 45 minutes. That’s a chapter’s worth of writing!
  30. Get arrested due to a mistaken identity. You ‘d be surprised how much writing gets done in prison.
  31. “Help” your kids with their creative writing. Nothing says ‘I love you” than living vicariously through your children’s 8th Grade English teacher.
  32. Toothbrushing + bathroom mirror + toothpaste + spare hand = productivity opportunity!
  33. Jogging. Forget Podcasts. Dictation programs exist for a reason.
  34. At the Gym, #1 1 set, 15 reps, 5 sentences cooldown. Repeat 2 more times. Next machine.
  35. At the Gym, #2 Free weight? More like free hand! Write and curl!
  36. At the Gym, #3 wanna get those crunches a little higher? Blast your abs by lifting your arms to the page stuck to the wall. Hold for a few words. repeat for 1 paragraph.
  37. Tap-dance? Take a microphone and dictate away in Morse code.
  38. Fence? Tip your epee with ink and work on your pointmanship.
  39. Skydive? Squeeze in 5 minutes while the plane’s taxiing. Don’t write in the air, though, that’s stupid.
  40. Snorkel and SCUBA with a handy laser-etching tool and some aluminum plates.
  41. Ask banks for credit cards. Use the sheets they send you as character creation references.
  42. Buy paper with pre-ruled margins. The time spent on those red lines adds up, y’know.
  43. Invent time-travel. Then go and visit your future self, who can hand you finished, revised work. Publish immediately, then go get some more. Save years of effort.
  44. The Pit and the Pendulum. I’m sure you could engineer a suitable variation. Achieve peak motivation!
  45. Steal status updates from Facebook. They don’t have any real friends anyway.
  46. Fake your own death. You’ll have a few weeks before the life insurance blokes start poking around.
  47. Doodle on the steamed up glass in your shower. Archive it with a cheap photographer, or, for profit on the side, a webcam.
  48. Sharpie ideas onto the inside of your morning train/bus. If they don’t seem so great the next day, leave them for someone else.
  49. Take the I Ching on trips to the Zoo. Pull faces at the animals until they throw straw at you. Weave the results into a story.
  50. Take the I Ching on trips to your Asian in-laws. Pull faces at them until they throw chopsticks at you. Weave the results into a story.
  51. Take a Tarot deck to your Poker night. You’ll get some interesting readings and nobody else will know the rules.
  52. Move into a dull, boring, white-walled apartment. Then indulge yourself with some crayons on the wall. Mind-mapping needs to be expansive.
  53. Turn off all your music for a week. Write down the lyrics that pop into your head.
  54. Turn up all your music for a week. Write to block out the noise. Beware neighbours.
  55. Treat drinking as a social experiment. Ply interesting and embarrassing stories out of your friends and coworkers.
  56. Assume the entire world’s operating under a GNU license. Give thanks as you publish.
  57. Submit all homework in short-story form. Maths professors love experimental fiction.
  58. Write meeting minutes in the first person. Get heavy with the adverbs.
  59. Sponsor exchange students. Torment them mercilessly with fake social rituals. Then steal and publish their diaries.
  60. Write resignation letters for disaffected colleagues.
  61. Job title. Negotiate for it to include “Internal Columnist”, “Corporate Storyteller”, or “Voodoo Shaman”.
  62. RSS the Whole Internet. Subscribe to the blogs of 20 writers more successful than you. Rage is a powerful motivator.
  63. Have kids. Make them write for you.
  64. Have kids. Get them enrolled in school-sponsored creative writing programs with successful authors. Tag along as parent help. Steal course notes. Kidnap the speaker.
  65. Borrow kids. Fill them full of red cordial and amuse yourself with their hyperactive foibles. Return to parents.
  66. Don’t have kids. You’ll get more done. Auction yours off if you have them.
  67. Use Autocorrect. Every second helps.
  68. Don’t spellcheck. That’s what proofreaders are for.
  69. Use templates for everything. Dear [NAME]….
  70. Take up smoking. It’ll give you something to keep you poor and motivated.
  71. Give up smoking. Your struggles will inspire sympathy and maybe some free food.
  72. Become a drug dealer. Eventually, you’ll be on the run from someone. Nothing focuses you on brevity like having to write your life story using your own intestines.
  73. Bathe instead of shower. It’ll take longer, but you can soak and scribble.
  74. Shower. With an Etch-A-Sketch.
  75. Don’t bathe at all. It adds to your image and cuts down on valuable writing time.
  76. Take public transport. You can write without worrying about the road, and cute Uni students dig Moleskines.
  77. Clone yourself. One of you can go out and work, the other can stay home and write.
  78. Develop telepathy. Stalk good writer’s houses. Steal their thoughts. Race them to publication..
  79. Ninja skills. Bending time is the #1 Productiviy Tip in all reputable Japanese self-help publications.
  80. Scam emails. “[...]As the Executor for the Late Prince Nabutu of Nigeria, I speedily await your prompt review of his dying short story. Your $1 MILLION DOLLARS will be forwarded to your bank account shortly.”
  81. Become ambidextrous. Double your productivity in one easy step!
  82. Get bitten by a radioactive Thesaurus. With your new super-powers, you’ll save on time previously spent referencing.
  83. Set yourself on fire. Have a pre-determined word limit before you can reach for the extinguisher.
  84. Employ a teenager to sneer at your incompetent efforts every day you don’t write. Shame is a powerful motivator.
  85. Go local. General anesthetic’s for wimps. WRITE THROUGH THE PAIN.
  86. Avoid RSI. Variety is key. Write with your elbows, knees, nose, and chin.
  87. Charge your productivity. Join a writer’s circle who punish lack of new material with cattle prods.
  88. Lick a leper. Being outcast from society removes temptations.
  89. Schedule everything. Make a detailed, comprehensive schedule. Destroy it. Replace it with one block of color and some bold font saying “WRITE”.
  90. Alphabetti Spaghetti for breakfast, lunch and tea. I don’t care how much you prefer the dinosaur variety. Get inspired by the spoonful!
  91. Teach. Steal your student’s work.
  92. Manage. Call it a team spirit exercise. Steal your employee’s work.
  93. Learn. Attend classes. Steal your co-students work.
  94. Run everywhere. The earlier you arrive, the more spare time you have for writing.
  95. Walk everywhere. Write while you walk. Crossing roads can be hazardous.
  96. Rollerblade everywhere. It won’t make you more productive, but the feeling of coolness that comes with whizzing around on ‘blades is inspiring.
  97. Sharpen your elbows. Lets you claim valuable armrest space on airplane flights and crowded buses. Essential for good posture while writing.
  98. Cultivate lackeys. Crush the weak-willed and make them subservient to your ego. The more you’re pandered, the better your writing will be.
  99. Read fewer lists.  Don’t send me pedantic emails about the difference between count nouns and mass nouns, or I’ll set you on fire.

There you are!
99 useful tips that are, as mentioned, 100% guaranteed† to improve your productivity. Try them out!
† Please note: No actual guarantee offered. Any attempts to follow these suggestions is entirely at users risk and no liability or responsibility will be entertained, unless they work.

Did I miss anything?  Any more hints?  I’d love to get another list going…  And with these handy hints to back me up, it’d take but a second to publish a new update!  Full props for any suggestions.

Until next time…

Go write!

10 Books that make you a better writer

There are countless books that give you advice on how to write. One other, often overlooked, source of inspiration and understanding is good books themselves. Practical examples are the best kind – no matter how much theory you read through, sometimes it takes scanning a story for the lesson to settle in.

With that in mind, here are 10 fantastic, enjoyable books that will highlight some important writing skills for you.

1.Old Man’s War – John Scalzi – Brevity and humor
John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War is set in the same vein as Heinlein, with a Starship Troopers-esque Universe. Where Scalzi shows off his impeccable writing talent, though, is his direct, no-nonsense prose and the quirky narration of his protagonist. Too often, SF writers get caught up in the sweeping vistas of the galaxies they visit. They focus on the science, or the settings, and the story gets lost in amongst all the nitty-gritty. Scalzi does the gritty, too, but he keeps his prose from getting too florid. Without being in-your-face-fast like Dan Brown or Matthew Reilly, Scalzi uses his quick, clean lines of writing to propel the story along at an enjoyable pace.

All the books in his series have been devoured within a single sitting by people I lend them to. This is one of the best attributes you can aim to give your creative writing , so look at what Scalzi does closely.

Scalzi’s narrator has a sense of humor that can best be described as ‘fatherly’, and this immediately gets readers hooked on the story. Writers sometimes forget that everyone loves to think they’re funny, and his characters tell each other jokes and engage in the play that shows bonds between comrades. Well-used, a sense of humor humanizes characters, makes them engaging, and brings a sense of realism to dialogue that’s very easy to miss.

Oh, and if you aren’t reading his Blog, I’m going to send a rabid pack of gerbils to your house and make them nibble on your toes.

2. Helen De Witt – The Last Samurai – Esoterica, multiple languages
Helen De Witt’s The Last Samurai is a joyful romp through the better parts of esoteric writing. The protagonist, Ludo, is possessed of a precocious intelligence, and by the time the book is finished (aged about 10), has led us through discourses in Greek, Latin, Japanese, Old Norse and Inuit. We learn about aerodynamics and fluid hydraulics, grammar and etiquette, Fourier analysis and Laplace translations.

The story itself isn’t actually that unique. What De Witt does so stupendously well in the book is throw an amazing mash of ideas together and present them with such a joy and enthusiasm that you can’t help but be swept along by it. It gets dizzying in parts, but anyone who’s spent time with an intelligent child will know that sense of joy at engaging with the world which is so infectious.

Your story doesn’t have to be as wildly varied as The Last Samurai to benefit from looking closely at how esoteric information can bolster a story. Think about your character’s approaches to life. What about their hobbies? What interesting things do they know? Hearing people enthuse about something they’re passionate about is a unique and powerful experience. Deliberately recreating that passion can make your writing better.

3. Christopher Booker – The Seven Basic Plots – Analysis and pattern recognition
The Seven Basic Plots is a rich book that looks at the idea that there are only a given number of basic plots that exist in the world. Booker comprehensively analyses the theories, and backs his findings up with a mindblowingly comprehensive list of examples, from ancient myths and classic literature right up to modern movie plots.

Reading through will open your eyes to ways that some very simple concepts can be applied in such a variety of ways. You’ll understand why certain stories are fundamentally ‘satisfying’, and variations on them can make you feel unsettled at a primeval level. Your own plotting and story creation will be strengthened by an understanding of why your stories might seem to want to ‘lean’ in one direction. Even if you choose to break with your instincts, you’ll understand why it’s natural to follow the familiar paths your stories may want to tread.

A slight warning: If you aren’t very well read, this book will give you the feeling you’re missing out on a lot of good stories. There’s only one way to fix that feeling, and it may involve missing out on a little sleep.

4. Patrick Rothfuss – The Name of the Wind – Poetry and flow
The Name of the Wind is the debut novel from one of Fantasy’s new wunderkind’s, Patrick Rothfuss. He’s already won about a billion awards for it, so instead of telling you how great it is (REALLY great!), let’s look at what the book can offer you as a writer.

Poetry is a much-maligned medium. A lot of writers, especially aspiring writers, pooh-pooh poetry as the demesne of pimply teenagers and torrid middle-aged women.

This is eminently sensible and correct.

What those writers fail to consider, though, is the concept of poetry in verse. There are a few pieces of writing where every word feels considered, every sentence has cadence, every paragraph flows with its own rhythm. Reading those books feels like listening to a symphony – words flow through your head and sweep you away. The writing doesn’t have to be about beautiful things, or even particularly nice things. What matters is that the language has been crafted to fit the author’s needs.

Poetry in prose comes about from a combination of talent and revision. Great sentences are only occasionally born. More often, they are molded into shape, excess words trimmed away like chips from a block of marble. Look after your words, and your sentences will flow. Look after your sentences, and your paragraphs and chapters will dance.

This is exemplified in The Name of the Wind. Check it out. Let yourself get caught up in the dance of language. And consider if you can do the same for your readers.

5.Dave Duncan – Tales of the King’s Blades – multiple perspectives and truths
It’s not often that Sword-and-Sorcery stories are listed as examples of complex storytelling. Dave Duncan’s Tales of the King’s Blades are the exception to that trend. A trilogy of books is set around the adventures encountered by a Royal family. Each story is told by the swordsmen, magically bound to loyalty, who protect the family.

The stories themselves are well written, fast, funny and adventurous, but it’s in the narration that Duncan does something exemplary. Each of the stories, read on its own, is cogent. Reading a second story in the trifecta, regardless of order, uncovers anomalies in the stories that can only be resolved by reading the third. Once all three books are read, it becomes clear that the protagonists in each are lying about certain facts, either to protect themselves or some other secret.

This conceit of an unreliable narrator is developed extremely well, and readers naturally sympathise with each protagonist in turn as they tell their story. Duncan does a marvelous job of showing through the series what a multifaceted gem the truth is. Cleverly, we get to see first one face, then another, never quite sure if we’ve sketched the prism in its entirety.

This technique exemplifies the potential in having multiple narrators and points of view in your story. Having lies, especially well-crafted lies, creates intrigue and suspense. People used to getting their own way, powerful people, and clever people are often adept liars. They will reconstruct events in their own mind until they’re firmly convinced that their version is what’s actually happened. The same event can be viewed differently by onlookers and participants, depending on their perspectives. Make use of this in your storytelling, and create a richer story by playing with different truths.

6.Neal Stephenson – Cryptonomicon – Delivery of Information
Neal Stephenson has a reputation for being an exhausting writer. His writing itself is clear, lucid, and lyrical. What poses a challenge to many readers, and Cryptonomicon is no exception, is the sheer volume of ideas in his novels. Cryptonomicon swings between two time lines and has a massive host of characters, all of whom think nothing of stopping the advancement of the plot to discuss the minutiae of Greek mythology, haiku construction, cryptographic analysis and the psychological foundations for stocking fetishes. Every page of Stephenson’s tome – and at 900+ pages, there’s a lot of material to sift through – has at least one fantastically intriguing idea jammed into it.

Done badly, this approach could be exhausting. Like Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow, there is a wealth of tangents and seemingly irrelevant information obscuring what’s actually a relatively simple plot. If Stephenson hadn’t carefully crafted his work, the entire thing would be worse than unreadable.

Luckily, Cryptonomicon is done well. Reading through it is like walking down a beach where every piece of driftwood is covered in Sanskrit etchings, every grain of sand is a differently-hued jewel, and the waves are constantly leaving new footprints for you to follow.

Reading Cryptonomicon is an excellent example of how to deliver information well. ‘Info dumps’ are usually a sign of terrible writing, but there are ways to make them work. Having an entire book filled with ways to deliver unusual, esoteric information well and entertainingly makes Crytponomicon well worth the read.

7. JP Donleavy – The Unexpurgated Code – Character through vernacular
The Unexpurgated Code is a ‘complete manual of survival and manners’, written in a discerningly acerbic style by Donleavy. It covers social situations from the mawkish to the refined, written in a style that mixes occasional crudity with carefully refined pukka mannerisms. With meticulously plotted advice on the most socially acceptable ways to commit suicide, cheat on your spouse, poison an offensive neighbor’s dog, and survive the invetiable duels that follow, Donleavy covers a range of topics in a tone of voice that’s instantly endearing. He narrates sections with the air of the disaffected tones of one ‘To The Manor Born’ – and at the same time, taking delight in being stunningly rude to everyone he thinks he can get away with.

The book is written in the style of a classical book of manners and mannerisms, but deviates from the norm quite sharply. The subject nature is more concerned with life’s awkwardness and foibles than everyday social niceties. When those niceties eventually receive attention, then the advice invariably brings to mind the behavior of an ancient Aunt who everyone tries to steer clear of the gin at family gatherings.

The strength of the Code is in the deliberately crafted tone it takes. Without Donleavy’s careful construction of language, the book would fail. Lacking the wide-ranging vocabulary, deadpanned parentheticals and abrupt rudeness that signifies so well the class he’s lampooning, the book would be a confused collection of oddities and vulgarity. Browse at your leisure, and learn from a master of tone how to construct in your reader’s mind the quintessence of your characters.

8. Susanna Clarke – Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell – Setting through vernacular
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell is a tale of studious magic set in early 19th century England and is written in the elegant manner of a drawing-room narration. It’s narration is bookish and reserved. Footnotes to the text, referencing made-up treatises on Faerie magic, sometimes stretch longer than the chapters they’re found in. The accounts of the story are told from a detached observer, written in such a style that to read the book without an accompanying cup of tea and cucumber sandwich feels a little like a betrayal.

The story takes a long time to build to the action. Normally this would present a weakness in writing – it’s best to begin a story as quickly as possible! In this instance, though, Clarke makes a more mellow pace agreeable by deliberately taking a reserved, scholarly approach to the story. As readers, her carefully formed sentences read like arguments in an essay.

Clarke’s deliberate choice to go for longer, genteel sentences and a relaxed pace firmly establish the setting of the story. Longer sentences naturally slow the story down. The fact that we spend the first third of the book mostly reconstructing the history of the Yorkshire Society of Magicians, and Mr Norrell’s move to London, all without meeting the main protagonist of the story, Mr Strange, all serve to reinforce the mood of the book.

Could Clarke have written the same book in a few hundred less pages by being more direct in her speech? Absolutely. Does the circumlocutory approach make the read dull or disinteresting? Not at all. Writing suffers when authors shift into long-winded writing without intending to. Like any writing device, skillful application makes all the difference. Reading Strange and Norrell provides an excellent example of how matching the narrative’s vernacular to the setting enhances the verisimilitude of the work. Or, if you prefer, match your writing style to your story’s environment, do it well, and your story will benefit from it.

9. China Mieville – The Scar – Realism through detail in world-building
The Scar is set in a fantastical world of Mieville’s creation. It is filled with sentient species that have been pulled from mythology, extrapolated from the oddest corners of biology and pulled straight from the imagination. Complex and engaging, Mieville’s world hangs together with an admirable cohesion.

Reading The Scar is an adventure twice over. The story itself is an exquisite one – crafted with intrigue, betrayals, traps, failures, second chances, discoveries. Removed from the plot, though, is an even greater trove of treasure. The wider adventure, spread over several of Mieville’s novels, is exploring the stunning world he’s crafted.

The maps at the start of the book don’t begin to cover the scope of Mieville’s creation. Writers will often craft themselves a world to base their story in. This usually amounts to little more than a map stuck in the book, a few foreign-sounding place names, and an excuse for heroes to travel from Point A to B as something to do during the story. Mieville demolishes these paltry efforts. His world is epic in scope and meticulously detailed. Dozens of species and Empires are spread through the stories, each with their own histories and relationships. Vast, sprawling cities have more flavor packed into one filthy Quarter than New York in its entirety.

What other story could you find a vast, floating pirate city, made from a flotilla of cobbled-together ships over centuries of raiding? Where else could you read about hermetic mosquito-men, held captive on an isolated island, the last remnants of a tyrannical empire? Townships ruled by sadomasochistic lovers and a curiously benevolent vampire?

Where other stories struggle to maintain internal consistency, The Scar is sprawling with delights to discover. It’s a stunning showing of how a well-created world can elevate a story to majestic heights of storytelling. Immerse yourself in it, and come away inspired to fill your created worlds with the same richness.

10. Asimov – The Foundation series – scope
The Foundation series shows Asimov certainly wasn’t afraid of a challenge. The series, epic in scope, takes on multiple generations, Empires, and twenty-odd millennia. Stories don’t get much bigger than that!

Thinking big when you write your stories? Try thinking bigger. What ripples will your story leave in your world’s history? Will your characters’ actions matter in a generation’s time? A hundred years? A thousand? Expanding your vision lets you see what’s truly important about your story. Extrapolating what changes might take place once your story’s resolved gives you a great starting point for another story!

What books did I miss?  Shoot me an email, post here, sound off!

17 Dirty Words: Words Not To Use in your Sex Scene

Writing sex scenes can certainly be a challenge. A good scene will entertain your reader, maybe get their pulse up a little, and if you’re very lucky will get savored by horny teenagers like pages 54-56 of the Lolita they have to struggle through for English.
Done badly, sex scenes will turn your readers off faster than a mash-mix of pale hairy, C-grade actor’s asses.

On the same premise that knowing what crocodiles and flamethrowers look like keeps you alive longer, here’s a list of words that should be kept out of your sex scenes. Examples – actual, pulled-from-the-depths-of-erotica examples follow in italics.

To keep this article reasonably SFW, some naughty words have been censored.

1.Turgid
Over-used. Awkward. So over-used, in fact, that the actual definition has been shifted slightly in the vernacular. The single salvation of turgid is that it’s so closely associated with ‘wang’ that you can drop it into a clean, grandma-friendly ‘love’ scene and not offend anyone.
Helen looked down and gasped.
“But Chris! It’s so…”
“Turgid, my dear?”

2.Puffy
Ew. Engorged? If you insist. Swollen? Sure, it has a sort of naughty-clinical feel about it. Puffy? Puh-lease. Trying to type this freakish word makes my fingers shudder in revulsion. Unless you’ve been whacking your ‘durty bits’ around with the force and subtlety of ping-pong rackets, save puffy for describing black eyes.
The poor lady’s [magnolia] lips were puffy now from all that pumping action of the Doctor’s [table] and fingers and fist and arm.

3.Pound
So, you can all see what the issue is here. Now, don’t get me wrong – sometimes, we all need a good pounding. It’s great for a mid-range abdominal and cardio workout, it’s fun to ‘let go’ every now and then, and there’s a certain raw animalism that’s very satisfying for both partners.
That said, there is a certain brutishness about the word that advises strict caution in its’ use.
He pounded my mouth just the way he had pounded my [Chevrolet].

4.Buffet (Either to smite or eat)
This one isn’t a ‘Thou-Shalt-Not-Use’ so much as a ‘I’d-Really-Rather-You-Didn’t.’ Hey, gotta save my hyperbole for the ones that matter. This is still an awkward, ugly word, though. Now, we’re all a fan of the munchtastic branch of sex, but there are more elegant ways of phrasing than buffet. You can leave your all-you-can-eat jokes in the first draft, thanks very much. 
Unless your sex scene has a resounding amount of flatulence, you might want to leave the wind-driven buffet on the sidelines too.
The buffet really began as he tongued it out of her in one big curl and swallowed the cream and chocolate covered berry down.

5.Funnel
Now we’re getting into the ‘What? Who puts that there?’ category. If you think that you’re safe from a Funnel-ing, think again. Often, the only warning you’ll get will be a ‘love’ and an innocuous-seeming hyphen. Then it hits you, right in the cerebrum! Ka-Pow!
[...] slowly inserted the tip of the empty funnel into her wet and stretched out [bank statement].

6.Gash
Ugly, ugly word.
He had his [iPhone] buried deep inside her dripping gash.

7.Sheath
Sheath is one of those unfortunate synonyms. It’s found lurking in the pages of Harlequin romances read mostly by grandmothers, slightly overweight call center employees, and lonely CEO’s. If you find yourself accidentally leaning towards the word, stop. Consider. Plot. Reach for a thesaurus. If you use sheath, people will laugh at you.
It’s also usually indicative of weak, adverb-heavy writing.
Alexia seemed to have fainted with pleasure; her [deckchair] muscles squeezed my [cushion] length into her tight sheath, trying to extract every drop of [pinot] that was spurting inside her loving furrow. 

8.Plague
Yeah, OK. Probably don’t want to be talking about the Plague during your sex scene. People have sex during plagues, of course, all the time in fact. It’s practically an aphrodisiac. But it doesn’t tend to run through conversations or internal monologues during sex.
Tends to put one off one’s stride a little.
Simone yelled, “[Insinuate] me! [Admonish] me like the Plague [acknowledged] my parents!”

9.Pustule
This is the last time I take reader suggestions for my articles. Yes, Pustule is a word you shouldn’t use in your sex scenes. If you have a character with an unfortunate disease, probably don’t harp on and on about it.
Interestingly, people with pustules do have sex. Sex in real life is often awkward, ugly, clumsy, sweaty, and smelly. Mushing bodies together makes weird and occasionally hilarious noises. So don’t be afraid to show that side of it as well.
Pustule pustule pustule pustule moan shudder pustule pustule.

10.Tsunami
Occasionally found as a synonym for what less imaginative writers would use ‘gush’, ‘wave’ or ‘torrent’ for. Hyperbole at its finest, but given a recent spate of Tsunami disasters, it might be more sensitive to use a different word.
First a tsunami of cream flooded her [fridge] and then Allan’s [mayonnaise] leaked into her [sofa].

11.Odor
Is there any reason you can’t use the word smell? 
No, I didn’t think so. Don’t use odor unless you’re over 80 and are referring to something dropped on your garden by a small and offensive dog.
Jim stepped into the room and could smell the odor of excited [hammock] from the six [diligent] girls.

12.Antidisestablishmentarianism
Philosophical arguments in general are best kept out of sex scenes.
“I’m not going to let you [clarify] my [blink]ing [headlights],” Sandy whispered throatily, “until we agree on antidisestablishmentarianism”.

13.Salami
Worst. Similie. Ever.
Ew.
[...] forced my mouth open and stuffed his hard salami down my throat.

14.Cactus
Perhaps I wrote too soon. Kinky is when you use a cucumber. Cacti qualify as a fetish. Don’t use it as a simile, please, unless it’s hard, dry, waxy and spiky. 
On reflection, not even then.
He said, “Now you’ll find out what a real cactus can do.”

15.Hoe-down
You might think it’s funny, but it’s not. None of the possible ways you were thinking of using this word are in any way, shape or style remotely hilarious.
He mewed with delight and proceeded to hoe down on her [bookmark].

16.Throbbing
See Sheath, Turgid. Over-used, under-loved, can’t take it seriously.
For fun and profit, try using it in normal conversation and writing, though.
I could feel his hard [toaster] throbbing against my [surfboard].

17.Fornication
Settle down there, Preacher Man. Get thee to a thesaurus! Fornication’s one of those words that’s only used because it exists: there are better words for every circumstance, but people occasionally revert to this one out of bewilderment. Know your language better than that, and pick the right word for ‘doing the deed’.
Fun Fact: Fornication has been with us since the 1300′s, deriving from Latin, fornicari.
Come, I will show you the judgment of the great harlot who sits on many waters,with whom the kings of the earth committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth were made drunk with the wine of her fornication. – Revelation 17:4

Phew!
So there you have it. Now that you’ve safely removed those words from your sex scene, you can rest assured it’s practically perfect.
With these lessons in mind, remember the three “R’s”:
wRite +
Revise =
eRotic!

And to make up for that awkwardness, here’s a bonus section:

Horrible Synonyms for Sex I Came Across (Heh Heh) While Researching This Article
Doing the Rump-Shaker
Interior Decorating
Popping it in the Toaster
Spearing the Bearded Clam
Skroging (What does this even MEAN?)
Dance the Blanket Hornpipe
Have your Banana Peeled
Bang like a Shithouse Door
Dash up the Channel

Until next time…

Go write!

AYN RAND ATE MY BRAIN

As you may know, the king of my reading existence – in the physical realm, anyway – is Richard Sprent. This bespectacled gentleman has been kicking ass and throwing books at my face since I was about 7. Ably manning the Ellison Hawker Bookstore for approximately a billion years (Ladies, he’s married, but not really that old), Sprenty will probably be around at the Heat Death of the Universe, still convincing people that what they really need is another trade paperback to fill out their bookshelves.

Now, Sprenty has a close to 100% recommendation rate with damn nearly everyone who walks into his bookstore. If he doesn’t know you – even if you’re one of those customers who goes, “Oh, I really like that book with the blue cover” – he’ll know what you need, and what you should read.

I’ll happily admit to being more widely read than most people you’ll come across in a day. I easily plough through most books in an afternoon. Neal Stephenson’s about the only author whose works will take me an entire weekend. So Sprenty has a challenge with recommending more stuff to me. His job’s becoming even harder, now that I’ve got the Internet to hook me up with hundreds of like-minded people – I don’t think my library card’s ever been as full.

So when one of my favourite smart people in the whole world, Stephen Menenenenendianian, whose intellect dwarfs both yours AND mine by an order of magnitude only measurable in scientific notation, recommends a book, I’m pretty much obliged to read it.

So I wandered into the store and spoke, innocently,
“Sprenty! What’s this I hear about Atlas Shrugged?
He paled and looked over the rims of his glasses at me, eyebrows raised, muppet-like.
“I’m not sure if it’s your thing, Pip.”
Really? A conflict of opinions between two of my favourite Electric Gentlemen?
“But… Smart people like it!”
“Nevertheless…”

Chastened, cautioned, I bought the book regardless and took it home.

I opened it up and read the first few paragraphs.
I looked at the remaining ten million pages.
I put the book down again and didn’t touch it for some months.

Then, the other week, I picked the book up again. Too many serendipities in my life were happening for me to ignore the fact that I was obviously fated to read Atlas Shrugged again. So I started, and pushed through the incredibly slow, dull, dense opening, only to discover…

That the entire book was written in that style.
Mark my words. This is not some hyper-dense, information-packed but still enjoyably-fast-paced novel of the newer speculative fiction’s generation.
This is slow, grey, dull, Eastern European, We’re-All-Going-To-Starve-To-Death-On-A-Diet-Of-Starchy-Foods sort of novel.
Is it well written? Pretty much, no. The words were so laboriously thunked into the page that I found myself reading far, far slower than I have done since about the second grade. For some writers I slow down my admittedly frenetic pace of reading because of the sheer lyricism of the prose. Patrick Rothfuss is a good example of where I happily spent three days reading The Name Of The Wind, simply because I was enjoying it so much.
Atlas Shrugged is more like having each. individual. word. smacked into your head.
With a lump of industrial clay.
That’s not to say there are moments of poetry there.. But they don’t have the lyrical, rhythmic quality that makes reading a glide. They leap out at your eyes and stab your brain, each sentence and declamation demanding attention. A rushing, exhilarating ride on a train takes fifteen pages of careful, laborious description of the protagonist’s reaction to each new observed phenomena.

The story, though, is intense and amazingly well-plotted. You can pick up the irresistible, immutable themes of the book within the first twenty pages. But you’l push yourself through the rest of the book – with the same gritty determination as the leading characters, who will do things beyond the limits of human endurance because that is what they are driven to do.
Rand, unsubtly – but, strangely enough, without causing irritation – also uses the entire book as a platform for expounding the ideas of her Philosophy, Objectivism. It’s less painful than reading through Bertrand Russell, but only barely.

Rand’s writing is this weird, compelling balance between sheer terribleness and hypnotism. Her gaunt, sparse, bleak world is perfectly suited by her writings, and the depressing industrial meltdown (and admittedly invigorating final Act) are at once both mind-melting and comfortable. We know that there aren’t going to be any segues into colourful romances or petty distractions. All of the main characters in the book are heroic juggernauts, approaching their world with views that are both alien and perfectly, rationally understandable.

I gave a week of my life to the book.
I’m going to go read it again.
I’m not recommending it if you want to be entertained.
Hell, if you want to be challenged, go read something else, as well. There are tons of books out there that present information just as challenging, hard-hitting, philosophical, whatever – whatever you want in a book, there’s a better one out there.
But Atlas Shrugged is like a literary Russo-American Philosophical Zombie.

It keeps plodding after you.
The moans over your shoulder are reminding you it’s there to be read.
And once it’s got you, it feeds on your brains.
It’ll force you to re-evaluate your world.

And that’s a good thing, right?

Good writing: Creating a realistic city guard

The City Guard often plays an unenviable role in stories. Underpaid, under-appreciated and underestimated, they are relegated to supporting roles. Even then, they rarely break out of one of a few boring stereotypes. Writers can fall into the trap of pushing their Guards towards one of a few overly simple clichés. This doesn’t have to happen.

Approached with care and intelligence, the constabulary can be a rich and varied source of challenges, adventure, and colorful individuals. Remember when you’re crafting your story that those (ostensibly!) dedicated to preserving order can be as interesting, patriotic, weaselly, weak, heroic, real and human as everyone else. Let’s have a look at our Guardsmen (and women!) and think about how to bring them to life.

A stereotypical member of the City Guard has the following characteristics. Have you already written yours into the story? See how many you can tick off:

  • Uninspired
  • Corrupt
  • Bored
  • Drunk
  • Unshaven
  • Older
  • Male
  • Cynical

Bleurgh! Insipid, predictable, and uninspiring. The lazy writer’s version of the guard is easily recognized and clichéd. If we approach the guard with an analytical eye, though, we can start to think of ways to make our Guardsmen stand out from the rest. Let’s run through some thoughts, starting with the basics, to try and flesh out the Guard in our story and make things a bit more interesting.
The question of the quality of the Guard is principally one of economics. As with everything in life, you get what you pay for. If the Guard is a well-paid job, then people are naturally going to view it as more respectable. Young men and women will compete for entry, and Guards will care about their jobs more.

This lets us look at the paymasters: who controls the purse-strings? Does the city particularly care about having an efficient, well-motivated guard? Is the city under threat? How highly is law and order viewed as a priority? Is the city prosperous or struggling? A city that wants to encourage trade and commerce needs to keep its streets safe and orderly. Might politics be at play? Real life Police departments are often used as political tools – increasing funding can be seen as a commitment to improving law and order, for example.

Once you’ve thought about who controls the Guard, and how much of a priority they pay to funding it, that gives you a better idea of who the Guards themselves might be. If the Guard is well-esteemed, then you might have career Guardsmen – enrolling at an apprenticing age and working their way through the ranks. If the Guard is underfunded and ill-regarded, then it’s more likely to be employment of a last resort – so the desperate and old might fill its ranks. Mercenaries too old or injured to fight professionally might settle for a life of less ‘glory’ for regular pay.

Think about how your Guard is made up as a collective body. How many members of the Guard? How are they organized? How many of them have military experience? How many are just in it for a job? How many are bullies, slovenly, inspired, psychotic, scheming, ambitious? What are their duties? Would they be expected to serve in a war? Who controls their loyalty – their commanders, the city leaders, a monarch? Which sides will they turn to in a rebellion? A riot? What would they protect? Would they desert?

Understanding who makes up your Guard then gives a good idea of what they’re going to be like as individuals. A well-paid, well-outfitted, young, fit Guardsman who has the respect of the public is going to approach situations very differently to a broken, bitter, drug-addicted old cynic. Remember that individuals within any group are always going to differ. The senior officers are always going to be better remunerated. They also have power over the Guardsmen under their control. How would they use that?

Are all Guardsmen equal? Are there special units within the force – a Day and Night Watch, for example? What about a brute squad – called in to handle riots or situations where a little extra muscle is needed? Secret Police rightly unnerve everyone they come into contact with – informers, miscreants, the ‘normal’ Guard. Any ruler who appreciates the importance of keeping tabs on their underlings will want to know the workings of their police force. How would that affect the Guard itself? Would it be discussed and gossiped about? Or ignored, leaving the inquisitors in the realm of bogeymen?

Bribing guards, for a variety of reasons, is a time-honored tradition. Before waving the Guard out of your story with a simple line or two, think the process through. Why are the Guards bribe-able? Are they being underpaid? What repercussions might there be for them if either party is caught? What internal oversight is there into any single Guardsman’s honesty? Is there systematic bribery? Is it culturally expected? How high does it go? Who wants to bribe the Guards? An honest Guard can be a devastating impediment to the best-laid plans, and happens rarely enough that it’s nicely unexpected. How would you go about trying to bribe a Guard, anyway? How would you find out the honest ones from the dishonest ones? Who would know? Where do they hang out after hours? Where do they sleep? At home with family? In a barracks?

How effective is your Guard at its’ jobs? How safe are the streets, really? Is there organized crime within the Guard’s purview – within the city or town? Are blind eyes turned, or is the Guard locked in a struggle with the criminal collective? Are there levels of discrimination – high-level smugglers and expensive transactions ignored with a wink and a tipped handful of coins? Is there an understanding, secret or open? Who benefits from the arrangements?

As you can see, there’s a lot of material you can explore when creating your Guard. Don’t let yourself get lazy and fall back on cliché’s! Keep thinking things through as you write. Re-visit your ideas. Refine them. Keep asking questions.

Until next time…
Go write!