Tag Archives: bad advice

What are the odds of becoming a published writer?

People ask what the odds are of becoming a published writer. This is the wrong question. The answer, by necessity, has to be vague. Neither is it helpful to ask. Too much hinges on meanings that aren’t spelled out in your question.

If you go to conventions, or read author interviews, you’ll hear people ask this all the time. Usually the answers have to be brief, and after a while, they sound a little generic. This is because authors at conventions and panels have only limited time to address questions. Not to mention that they’re probably sick hearing it for the thousandth time!

Tell me if this rings a bell. “Becoming a writer is difficult. It’s extremely unusual for people to make a living as a full-time writer, and even getting published is a challenge. It’s easier to get published once you’ve honed your craft. Practise, practise some more, then keep practising. Write every day. Keep sending your stuff out. Don’t give up.”

This is all excellent advice. All of it is true. It is difficult to get published, especially if you’re writing fiction.

What is the chance of you becoming a published writer?
Here’s an answer you’re going to like…
The probability of you becoming a published writer… Is 100%*.

Now, if you’re only after a quick ego-boost, you can stop reading and go back to whatever you were doing before you clicked on the link to this article. For a potentially less pleasant truth, though, read on.

Ah, asterisk, disclaiming friend of many.
Let’s investigate.

Getting published
Getting published, these days, is easy if you’re determined enough. Save up a few thousand dollars. Google “self publishing”. Read reviews of on-demand printing presses. Design a cover. Contact a publisher. Wait an appropriate period of time, and then get a few hundreds books delivered to your door.

There! Published. Done and dusted. You may now distribute your books at will to friends, family, local bookstores, and anyone who buys one off you from the Internet. You can sit back, content that you’re a Published Author.

“But wait!” you cry, “That’s not proper publishing.”

Bollocks. If people want to buy your books, they can. You can market them all across the world, set whatever price you like. With the Internet, you can sell books to people from other countries, if you can convince them to buy what you have.

For most of us, though, that’s not enough. What we want is for someone else to go “Yes, this is the book we want”, and take it off your hands, proof and edit it, stick a nice cover on, and put it in some bookstores.

That form of publishing is a lot harder to make happen. So, before we begin looking at what your chances are – or if ‘chances’ is even the right word to use, we need to be really clear about what you want.

Being clear about your goal
Let’s clear the air some more. The clearer you are about any goal, the mroe likely you are to achieve it. Don’t be afraid to give something a value. Don’t aim to be richer. Aim to be $50,000 richer. Don’t aim to lose weight. Aim to weigh a specific amount.

Don’t say “I want to be a writer.” This is a wishy-washy goal. Say “I want to be published, by a recognised publisher. I want to see my books in book-stores. I want to have someone ask me to sign a copy of the book I’ve written.” Or, if you don’t want to work that hard for it, say “I want to write a story my friends like. I want to print some of my poetry and give it to relatives for Christmas. I want to write clear, elegant reports for work.” Figure out what you want, figure out where you are, and start taking steps to close the gaps.

Tyrannical numbers
So, what odds are we looking at?

Some people like to look at things in terms of numbers. They read blog posts by publishers and agents, and read interviews with already-published authors about how long it took them to get published. Then they try and do the maths. But where to start? How many points are there along the traditional path to getting published?

What are the odds of you finishing the story you’ve started? That you’ll go back and edit it, give it the polishing it needs? That you’ll find a market for it? That you’ll deal with a rejection in a constructive way? What are the odds you’ll try as long as it takes?

You can see that there are lots of ways of assessing your odds of success. If you take the view of a disinterested outsider, though, you can see why I don’t think this is a great idea. You have no way of knowing what everyone else is doing, and no way of directly comparing your talents and time invested to everyone else doing similar things to you.

Suppose you read something from a literary agent saying they accept one from every three hundred submissions. Kristin from Pub Rants gave some interesting stats summing up her time in 2010. She’s sold 28 new books out of 36,000 submissions. So that’s a ‘success’ rate of something like 0.07% for people trying to go through an agent to publish a book. Reading other agent’s blogs makes these figures sound pretty realistic.

But what does that statistic tell you? Nothing meaningful. You only know how good your query is going to be. Whether you do everything your agent’s submission guidelines ask. Whether you respond to feedback. Whether you workshopped, refined, edited, and polished your work until you couldn’t see any ways to improve it.

If you do all those things, your odds are likely to be much higher than 0.07% of success. And if you do those things day in, day out, for as long as it takes, I’d say to you that your odds of getting published eventually are very high indeed.

Of course, this statement doesn’t mean much either. It’s not often that you hear about people who devote hours a day to writing, constantly improve their skills, network carefully, revise their work, craft excellent query letters, deal with people in a friendly and professional way, and languish unpublished for thirty years. That’s because, I’d suggest, one of two things happen. They either get published or give up.

This binary outcome is not limited to publishing alone. In every field, there are the dabblers and those committed to mastery. If you commit yourself to the time, training and effort needed, you’ll do very well. If you’re only dabbling, or will give up after six months if you don’t see visible improvements every time you attend a class, you’re going to fail.

No barrier to entry
Many fields that people want to succeed in have low barriers to entry. Sports, arts, online endeavours can all be started by people with no experience, and very easily. There’s nothing stopping 99% of us from picking up a pen or sitting down at a keyboard and starting to write. That doesn’t mean we’re all going to end up acclaimed, published writers.

When people look at the most successful people in a field, they often think “that doesn’t look so hard. I could probably do that!”. They’re partially right. They probably could. They probably won’t, though, because their commitment level is not high enough.

Let me give you an example. I am married to a extremely talented, professional musician. My wife can play more instruments than I can list, sings, and gets paid to do both. She has been heavily involved in music since she was very young. For her, picking up new instruments is easier than for most people, because she has a lot of relevant experience and musicality she can draw upon. Without any formal tuition in guitar, she can play songs reasonably fluently, and could easily learn to play something specific if she wanted to.

I am an unmusical guy. I can’t sing in tune, and my other musical abilities are limited to some awkward self-taught piano. But I want to learn to play the guitar. How easy is it for me to start? Very. I can get a second-hand guitar for next to nothing. I can buy a ‘teach yourself guitar’ CD or ask a friend to show me some basic chords. Realistically, half an hour’s practise a day will get me to a point of basic competence after a few months.

I’m extremely unlikely to ever become as good as my wife. I am not committed to mastering the guitar. If I were, I’d probably have to put in far more practise than I am going to. I’d have to want to be a great guitarist enough to give up other things that are important in my life, and I already know I’m not going to do that.

The same applies with writing. Many of us write at least a little every day, in other fields. We send emails. We update Twitter and Facebook. We might even sketch down ideas for stories. But, deep down, we know that there’s a difference between that and someone who commits themselves totally to mastering writing as an art form.

There is no difference between me, a guy who sings Disney tunes in the shower, wanting to become a professional singer, and my wife, a professional singer, wanting to become a writer. Both of those wants could be achieved, but at the cost of devotion that we’re unlikely to make.

Being outstanding
Being better than everyone else in your field is a matter of application. If you choose to apply yourself to something until you master it, then you are likely to succeed. It’s not common, because people don’t want to commit to the hard workPeople do this rarely, but when it does, it can have spectacular results.

A guy I used to live with joined a coffee chain part-time five years ago and started working as a barista. He fell in love with the position, and swiftly moved through the world of coffee making. He recently competed in the World Latte Art Championships and came second . How did he get there? By getting up early every day for several years and being fanatical about what he did. Practically every hour of his days were spent either making coffee, training, or theorising about his passion.

Now, he’s living ‘the dream’. He’s being paid to teach other people about coffee, something he literally eats, sleeps, drinks and breathes. I’m serious about that last bit – his exhalations are a powerful caffeinated stimulant. He’s ‘got there’. You can, too, but only if you’re prepared to put in the effort.

There is nothing wrong with dabbling
Let’s get this perfectly clear. There is nothing wrong with being a dabbler in any field. I am only ever going to be a very bad musician. I can kick a soccer ball around, but I’ll never play on a field more competitive than my backyard. I can’t draw my way out of a fast-food playmat maze. I acknowledge this and am fine with it.

You ned to think, seriously, about what you want to become a master at, and make sure your expectations are realistic. This goes doubly so for fields with no barriers to entry. If you want to stand out from the crowd, you’re going to need to put in double or triple the effort, at least, of those around you.

Obviously, you can’t do this with every hobby and job you have. It is perfectly OK to remain an ameteur in some areas of your life. Don’t fall into a trap of thinking you need to be superlative at everything you do. Being a dabbler is a fantastic way to enjoy a variety of different things. Especially if you haven’t found something that makes your heart sing – keep trying new things! Don’t worry about being bad at them when you begin.

Dabblers and masters
What can seem unfair about fields where the competition is largely invisible, like writing, is that dabblers and masters are thrown in together. When an agent looks at a book submission, they aren’t grading you on how long you’ve been writing. They’re grading you on the quality of your craft.

I’ve never met a writer who says they’re at the peak of their game. The best writers I’ve had the honour to meet and talk to are humble folk. They know they can always improve. They work at it, harder than anyone else. And they keep perfecting their craft.

So what commitments are you willing to make? Do you want to commit the time, energy, effort and pull away from the pack? Or are you happy to stay where you are? When you begin working in an open-entry field, you’re going to come up against stiff resistance. You’re not just competing against yourself, but every other aspiring writer out there. This is what makes writing so fun! When you do get published, there’s no doubt in your mind that you deserve it. You’ve proven yourself against the other 99.93% of the field, that your time and effort has been justified.

For me, I’ve made the commitment. I write every day. I’ve changed my lifestyle significantly so I can do this. I’ve cut back on my job and now work part-time, enough to support myself, but taking excellent advice from Patrick Rothfuss in cutting my lifestyle expenses. I’m nowhere near the level of skill where I expect to get published any time soon. But, as I write every day, I know I’m getting better. It won’t happen instantly, but it will happen.

If you want mastery, stretch out your time horizon. Successful mastery of anything worth the effort won’t happen overnight. It will happen in leaps and bounds. In invisible steps that you might not feel yourself taking. I’m not an A-list blogger, but I read those who are, and take their advice on board. Surround yourself with people who you want to emulate. See what they’re doing differently to you. Experiment. Diversify. Narrow your focus. Grow. Write. Write. And write some more.

You determine the odds of your success. Define what you want. Know why you want it. Decide how to get it, and commit to taking actions.

Go write.
– Pip

Why Arrogance is a Virtue for Writers

Healthy, justified, constructive arrogance is a virtue. Arrogance is the fuel, the armour that defends us against the rest of the world and our own niggling sense of inadequacy. When you, as a writer, start to feel down, withdrawn, incompetent or like the world doesn’t really want to be reading your stuff, then do this:

Stop.
Breathe.
Flick your eyes up to your wall, where you’ve got something to this effect printed out and Blu-Tacked up:

I stopped feeling bad about my arrogance when I realised that I’m superior. I learned to stop listening to you when I realised that your opinions are formed in envy and hatred. I stopped apologising when it became clear that I am a superlative writer.

I will produce despite your trenchant criticisms because that is my function. I’m more creative, productive, educated, competent and engaging than you. You can complain about me, hate me, adore me, but you can’t ignore me.

You know Paul Atredies’ “Fear is the mindkiller..” mantra? This can be yours. Shape it if you want. This is something you need to stick in your head, though. You are better than whatever force is trying to make you not-write. You are better than your critics. You’re better than your own sense of self-doubt.

Arrogance is a virtue because it is the supreme confidence in yourself that lets you sit down and go “I’m going to create something that the world needs to have in it.”

Revel in that knowledge.

Arrogance makes you write. Knowing, intimately, your skill and talent gives you a logical reason to write. If you hold, in the core of your being, that you’re a superlative writer, then not writing is illogical and morally wrong.

A painter who fails to paint through their own self-criticisms is doing themselves and the world a disservice. A surgeon who refuses to perform surgery is doing the same. Don’t let that extend to you as a writer.

Arrogance makes you share. Knowing that you have talent is one thing. Producing work is another. Sharing that work with the world – an article, a poem, a conversation, a novel – is the moral obligation that comes from creating something of value. The Internet is the greatest vessel for sharing creations that this world has ever seen. Put something online, now, and you can give it away for free to millions of people with a trifling moment’s effort.

I’m not going to tell you whether to charge for your work.

am telling you that if you’re good enough to write – and you are – then you need to be showing off to the rest of the world.

To fail to do so is reprehensible.

Arrogance makes you interact. There’s no worse waste than the unread novel sitting in a desk drawer. There are no conversations less wholesome than those left unsaid. If you see a blog post you like, or don’t like, and stay silent, then who gains from your silence? You will be left regretting not engaging with someone. The author misses out on feedback. It doesn’t matter if you agree or disagree. Comment. Create dialogue. Get inspired. Feed back. Link. Share. Talk. Argue.

If you see something and say to yourself, “I could do better”, then that’s the virtue of your arrogance coming out right there and demanding that you create a work of value. Don’t ignore those feelings.

Arrogance forces you to interact with your community. Arrogance is realising that your contribution is important, valuable, and makes you want to share it with the world. Do so. You’ll enrich your lives and the lives of others.

Arrogance makes you defend yourself. Without the unshakeable faith in your own superiority, you might get hurt by negative feedback. If you show a story to a friend or a family member and they shrug it off, then you might withdraw from your writing, hurting only yourself.

Arrogance lets you see through what might otherwise be painful and lets you cut to the chase of the issue. Is there a specific issue with the piece of work? Are your critics right? Do they have a point? By exercising the virtue of your arrogance, you can hold yourself together and engage in a dialogue about what might need improving.

If the criticism is valid, take it on board and re-work your piece towards perfection. If the criticism is wrong, shallow, ill-conceived or stems from laziness or moronicity, then shrug it off as the irrelevancy it is and continue with your work.

Arrogance forces momentum and repetition. Deeply knowing that you are a superlative writer commits you to continuing your projects, deep beyond the point where less confident writers would collapse.

Of all the thousands of novels out there, there are hundreds of thousands that were never completed. How many of them were abandoned because the writer wasn’t confident enough to stick with their idea? Their setting? Their characters?

How many were abandoned because the writer thought they weren’t writing well enough, and rather than push through that feeling and finishing a messy, incoherent first draft, abandoned their project entirely?

Your writing deserves to be read.
You are good enough to have your work read.
Therefore, it is an imperative that you finish your work.

When arrogance is not useful.
Unshakeable confidence in your abilities is a powerful tool in your arsenal. However, don’t get confused between confidence in your abilities – and the arrogance to say to the world, “what I produce is worth reading – and a blind-headed inability to develop as a writer.

Constructive arrogance is not ignoring all feedback.
Constructive arrogance is not demanding unreasonable things of agents.
Or publishers
Or readers.

Constructive arrogance is not constantly striving to improve yourself as a writer.

All writers, all successful writers, all of them, have some level of arrogance about them. And all of the best ones will happily admit that, despite their skills, honed from years of refinement and labour, are still growing.

Yours are too. By giving into the conceit of arrogance, you’re pulling a double-blind on yourself. Conceited arrogance is a cop-out, a washed-out self-blinkering destructive pattern. Conceited arrogance lets you wallow in a mire of your own making, refusing to see how your works need improvement and wondering why you’re unrewarded for your efforts.

Strive for arrogance in your writing.
Develop a deep-nested sense of arrogance in your own approach to writing. Feel the Universe’s gratefulness as you sit down to write.

“Ah!”, it cries, “At last! These words have found their channel, the Muse has her paramour, and look what’s being born…
Right.
Now.”

Go write.

17 Dirty Words: Words Not To Use in your Sex Scene

Writing sex scenes can certainly be a challenge. A good scene will entertain your reader, maybe get their pulse up a little, and if you’re very lucky will get savored by horny teenagers like pages 54-56 of the Lolita they have to struggle through for English.
Done badly, sex scenes will turn your readers off faster than a mash-mix of pale hairy, C-grade actor’s asses.

On the same premise that knowing what crocodiles and flamethrowers look like keeps you alive longer, here’s a list of words that should be kept out of your sex scenes. Examples – actual, pulled-from-the-depths-of-erotica examples follow in italics.

To keep this article reasonably SFW, some naughty words have been censored.

1.Turgid
Over-used. Awkward. So over-used, in fact, that the actual definition has been shifted slightly in the vernacular. The single salvation of turgid is that it’s so closely associated with ‘wang’ that you can drop it into a clean, grandma-friendly ‘love’ scene and not offend anyone.
Helen looked down and gasped.
“But Chris! It’s so…”
“Turgid, my dear?”

2.Puffy
Ew. Engorged? If you insist. Swollen? Sure, it has a sort of naughty-clinical feel about it. Puffy? Puh-lease. Trying to type this freakish word makes my fingers shudder in revulsion. Unless you’ve been whacking your ‘durty bits’ around with the force and subtlety of ping-pong rackets, save puffy for describing black eyes.
The poor lady’s [magnolia] lips were puffy now from all that pumping action of the Doctor’s [table] and fingers and fist and arm.

3.Pound
So, you can all see what the issue is here. Now, don’t get me wrong – sometimes, we all need a good pounding. It’s great for a mid-range abdominal and cardio workout, it’s fun to ‘let go’ every now and then, and there’s a certain raw animalism that’s very satisfying for both partners.
That said, there is a certain brutishness about the word that advises strict caution in its’ use.
He pounded my mouth just the way he had pounded my [Chevrolet].

4.Buffet (Either to smite or eat)
This one isn’t a ‘Thou-Shalt-Not-Use’ so much as a ‘I’d-Really-Rather-You-Didn’t.’ Hey, gotta save my hyperbole for the ones that matter. This is still an awkward, ugly word, though. Now, we’re all a fan of the munchtastic branch of sex, but there are more elegant ways of phrasing than buffet. You can leave your all-you-can-eat jokes in the first draft, thanks very much. 
Unless your sex scene has a resounding amount of flatulence, you might want to leave the wind-driven buffet on the sidelines too.
The buffet really began as he tongued it out of her in one big curl and swallowed the cream and chocolate covered berry down.

5.Funnel
Now we’re getting into the ‘What? Who puts that there?’ category. If you think that you’re safe from a Funnel-ing, think again. Often, the only warning you’ll get will be a ‘love’ and an innocuous-seeming hyphen. Then it hits you, right in the cerebrum! Ka-Pow!
[...] slowly inserted the tip of the empty funnel into her wet and stretched out [bank statement].

6.Gash
Ugly, ugly word.
He had his [iPhone] buried deep inside her dripping gash.

7.Sheath
Sheath is one of those unfortunate synonyms. It’s found lurking in the pages of Harlequin romances read mostly by grandmothers, slightly overweight call center employees, and lonely CEO’s. If you find yourself accidentally leaning towards the word, stop. Consider. Plot. Reach for a thesaurus. If you use sheath, people will laugh at you.
It’s also usually indicative of weak, adverb-heavy writing.
Alexia seemed to have fainted with pleasure; her [deckchair] muscles squeezed my [cushion] length into her tight sheath, trying to extract every drop of [pinot] that was spurting inside her loving furrow. 

8.Plague
Yeah, OK. Probably don’t want to be talking about the Plague during your sex scene. People have sex during plagues, of course, all the time in fact. It’s practically an aphrodisiac. But it doesn’t tend to run through conversations or internal monologues during sex.
Tends to put one off one’s stride a little.
Simone yelled, “[Insinuate] me! [Admonish] me like the Plague [acknowledged] my parents!”

9.Pustule
This is the last time I take reader suggestions for my articles. Yes, Pustule is a word you shouldn’t use in your sex scenes. If you have a character with an unfortunate disease, probably don’t harp on and on about it.
Interestingly, people with pustules do have sex. Sex in real life is often awkward, ugly, clumsy, sweaty, and smelly. Mushing bodies together makes weird and occasionally hilarious noises. So don’t be afraid to show that side of it as well.
Pustule pustule pustule pustule moan shudder pustule pustule.

10.Tsunami
Occasionally found as a synonym for what less imaginative writers would use ‘gush’, ‘wave’ or ‘torrent’ for. Hyperbole at its finest, but given a recent spate of Tsunami disasters, it might be more sensitive to use a different word.
First a tsunami of cream flooded her [fridge] and then Allan’s [mayonnaise] leaked into her [sofa].

11.Odor
Is there any reason you can’t use the word smell? 
No, I didn’t think so. Don’t use odor unless you’re over 80 and are referring to something dropped on your garden by a small and offensive dog.
Jim stepped into the room and could smell the odor of excited [hammock] from the six [diligent] girls.

12.Antidisestablishmentarianism
Philosophical arguments in general are best kept out of sex scenes.
“I’m not going to let you [clarify] my [blink]ing [headlights],” Sandy whispered throatily, “until we agree on antidisestablishmentarianism”.

13.Salami
Worst. Similie. Ever.
Ew.
[...] forced my mouth open and stuffed his hard salami down my throat.

14.Cactus
Perhaps I wrote too soon. Kinky is when you use a cucumber. Cacti qualify as a fetish. Don’t use it as a simile, please, unless it’s hard, dry, waxy and spiky. 
On reflection, not even then.
He said, “Now you’ll find out what a real cactus can do.”

15.Hoe-down
You might think it’s funny, but it’s not. None of the possible ways you were thinking of using this word are in any way, shape or style remotely hilarious.
He mewed with delight and proceeded to hoe down on her [bookmark].

16.Throbbing
See Sheath, Turgid. Over-used, under-loved, can’t take it seriously.
For fun and profit, try using it in normal conversation and writing, though.
I could feel his hard [toaster] throbbing against my [surfboard].

17.Fornication
Settle down there, Preacher Man. Get thee to a thesaurus! Fornication’s one of those words that’s only used because it exists: there are better words for every circumstance, but people occasionally revert to this one out of bewilderment. Know your language better than that, and pick the right word for ‘doing the deed’.
Fun Fact: Fornication has been with us since the 1300′s, deriving from Latin, fornicari.
Come, I will show you the judgment of the great harlot who sits on many waters,with whom the kings of the earth committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth were made drunk with the wine of her fornication. – Revelation 17:4

Phew!
So there you have it. Now that you’ve safely removed those words from your sex scene, you can rest assured it’s practically perfect.
With these lessons in mind, remember the three “R’s”:
wRite +
Revise =
eRotic!

And to make up for that awkwardness, here’s a bonus section:

Horrible Synonyms for Sex I Came Across (Heh Heh) While Researching This Article
Doing the Rump-Shaker
Interior Decorating
Popping it in the Toaster
Spearing the Bearded Clam
Skroging (What does this even MEAN?)
Dance the Blanket Hornpipe
Have your Banana Peeled
Bang like a Shithouse Door
Dash up the Channel

Until next time…

Go write!